HK versus Hollywood: ten reasons why...
from Alison Jobling
We’ve all railed at the fact that Hollywood produces, well, good
agricultural material, while HK often (not always, but often) produces
true gems of cinematic genius. And we’ve all stood open-mouthed in shock
as yet another HK icon moves to the West, only to be relegated to act in
or direct utter dross (although given the high proportion of dross in
Hollywood, this is only to be expected).
Well, I’ve attempted herein to codify some of the reasons why HK
beats the pants off Hollywood, and why our favourite stars should shun the
place as a Pit Of Utter Badness (hear me, Andy Lau Tak Wah? I’m talking
to you. Don’t be seduced by the Tinsel Side). As usual, I’ve cheated,
and so there are more than ten in my top ten. If you don’t like
it, sue me. Sue Mark. Sue whomever you wish. Or write your own.
1) Recipes for a film run along the following lines.
HK: Throw in whatever’s fresh in the market that day. Cook fast, serve
hot, and end up with something fresh, spicy, and interesting.
Hollywood: Take a successful recipe and remove everything but the cabbage.
Add extra lard (or an equally bland and non-nutritious substitute), cook
for 18 months, and serve with laser effects and a rap soundtrack. Wonder
why it’s not a screaming success.
2) Wu Yen. Mulan. I confess I was tempted to stop here, since
this is compelling enough, but you deserver more...
3) In Hollywood, Stephen Chiau Sing Chi films would be 5 hours long, to
allow each joke to be followed by compulsory explanation and canned
laughter.
4) Action heroes: HK has the likes of Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, Jackie
Chan, Zhao Wen Zhao, Dick Wei, etc etc etc, who are all, we must agree,
eminently credible in action. Hollywood specialises in action heroes who
are drawn from the ranks of those who oil up and pose for a living. I'm
not even mentioning those who try to edit the script so as to give
themselves more lines...
5) Semi-action heroes. In HK, just about everyone does an astonishing
amount of stuntage, just as part of being an actor. From the exceptionally
tasty Andy Lau pressed against a wall to avoid a speeding train only
inches away, to the delicately lovely Nina Li Chi being chased up a tree
by a pack of komodo dragons, just about everyone in HK has done something
that we would probably consider insanely dangerous. Without stuntmen.
Without quibbling. Probably not without fear, but they did it nonetheless.
6) If HK were Hollywood, all actresses would be forced to have cosmetic
surgery to look like J-Lo, while all men would be forced to have surgery
to look like Michael Wong.
7) Treatment of Michelle Yeoh:
Hollywood put MY into a leather bodysuit and high heels and made her get
beaten by a twit in a suit who’d probably lose a fight with my cats.
HK let her wear boys clothes and made her thrash some townsfolk, some
bandits, her fiance, and the bandit leader. This, of course, resulted in
her fiance being overcome by boyish ardour, while the bandits called her
“Mother”, and promised to give up their life of crime and become model
citizens.
8) In Hollywood, Francis Ng would spend his entire life playing Ugly
Kwan, and would end up making guest appearances on TV sitcoms.
9) If Ashes of Time had been made in Hollywood, characters would
spend all their time gossiping. Phrases like “We need to talk about our
relationship” and “It’s her or me” would occur frequently. Much
lunching would be done.
10) In Hollywood, Wong Kar Wai would never have gotten his hands on
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Instead, poor Takeshi would be forced into making an
inane teen comedy every summer and going into rehab every winter. At 45,
he’d get religion and his own talk show.
11) Martial arts. In HK, they know how to do it, how to stage it, and
how to film it. In Hollywood, they use cheap tricks that a six-year-old in
a playground would be ashamed of, then use fast cutting to pretend that
they haven’t.
12) Women’s shoes (okay, sounds weird, but bear with me for a
moment).
In the HK corner, we have Cynthia Khan in jeans and sneakers. Michelle
Yeoh, in some fetching conoction of leather and flats (shoes, for those of
you who aren’t familiar with shoe lingo). Anita Mui and Maggie, ditto.
Cynthia Rothrock double ditto. Most HK female action characters dress for
the occasion.
Meanwhile, in the other corner, Hollywood tries to convince us that women
can be credible action heroes in spike heels. Now I’m sorry, but that
just makes me laugh mightily. And I can just hear you scoffing “Oh, yes,
another feminist weirdo”. Well, my concern here is not with looks,
but with practicality. As long as their garb (including shoes) doesn’t
trip them up, slow them down, or constrict their movement, they could be
wearing body paint and angel’s wings for all I care.
I challenge anyone to run down a flight of stairs and engage in
close-quarters fighting wearing high heels: if you can do it, send me
footage and I'll send a heartfelt apology. If you can't, don't expect me
to pay your medical bills.
13) In Bride With White Hair (hey, what’s an Alison list
without a mention of this one?), Brigitte whips Leslie and his entire
clan, looks gorgeous, and leaves with style. Find me a Hollywood film
where the heroine gets to beat up the hero’s family, without being made
to suffer for it.
14) The Viewing Experience.
Hollywood: 15 minutes after the movies starts, you know exactly what’s
going to happen.
HK: 15 minutes after the movie ends, you’re still amazed at what just
happened.
ALISON JOBLING
describes herself as a teletrafficist, although the Adelaide university
where she works prefer to think of her as an Analyst/programmer. When not
coding or wrangling pesky Third Year students, she can likely be found
eyeballing the latest HK video, or tapping away at one of her frequent and
entertaining posts on the Mobius Home Video
Forum. If you check her Top
Ten on this site you'll find The Bride With White Hair at the
top. No surprises there! She previously contributed Ten
More Reasons Why Hong Kong Films Are Better Than Star Wars and Top
Ten Breathtakers.
