Ten More Reasons Why Hong Kong Movies
Are Better Than Star Wars

from Alison Jobling

1. Brigitte Lin's great beauty attracts Leslie Cheung (who I think I've amply demonstrated is Sex-on-a-stick). Joey Wong's great beauty attracts Leslie Cheung *and* Tony Leung Chiu Wai. Carrie Fisher attracts a giant slug.
   
2. In Swordsman 2, a character cuts off his own tackle and turns into Brigitte Lin with supernatural powers. In Empire Strikes Back, Mark Hamill lets someone else cut his hand off and turns into, well, Mark Hamill.
   
3. Brigitte Lin can kill dozens with her hair and her glare. Carrie Fisher needs an industrial choke chain and a good run-up to kill a giant slug.
   
4. Leslie Cheung gets to frolic in a scenic waterfall glade with Brigitte Lin. Mark Hamill gets to wade through a swamp with a robot and a wrinkled glove puppet.
   
5. Ghosts: Three lots of Joey Wong vs the ghost of Alec Guinness, the ghost of some unnamed guy, and the ghost of the aforementioned glove puppet.
   
6. Brigitte gets to snog with Leslie Cheung and Jet Li (The Man Who Can Moooooove). Carrie gets her brother and a guy who needs the punchline explained in detail. Oh, and the slug.
   
7. Bad guys:
   In the red corner, we have: Francis Ng, resplendent in silks and makeup, who can kill with his breath and lusts after Brigitte (and doesn't everyone?), and Anthony Wong, the only man who can get away with white makeup, big hair, and a leather jockstrap (not to mention the penile attachment on his rump), while still bonking everything in sight.
   And in the blue corner, we have: a wrinkly guy in a robe and a big guy with asthma who can't decide which side he's on.
   
8. Strong female characters: Brigitte, Joey, Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Reis, Charlie Yeung, Maggie Cheung, Carrie Ng, Chingamy Yau,... vs Carrie (well, some of the time).
   
9. Jet Li doing his own stunts. Mark Hamill doing his own stunts. What more need be said?
   
10. Carrie Fisher gets dropped into a cesspool with two 2 guys in body armour and a big hairy thing: they shout at each other. Brigitte Lin gets dropped into a crystal pool with Leslie Cheung. They have extended screaming sex.
    
    And, since I've never been able to stick to a limit, one more:
    
11. In Swordsman 2, Jet Li has three beautiful women lusting after his body. In three Star Wars films, Mark Hamill only gets to snog with his sister.

 

ALISON JOBLING describes herself as a Java geek, although the Adelaide university where she works prefer to think of her as an Analyst/programmer. When not coding or wrangling pesky Third Year students, she can likely be found eyeballing the latest HK video, or tapping away at one of her frequent and entertaining posts on the Mobius Home Video Forum. If you check her Top Ten on this site you'll find The Bride With White Hair at the top. No surprises there!

 

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